Ok. So. Since I last wrote, and probably sometime before that, I have been trying desperately not to slide into the comforting darkness that is depression. I am swimming in the rapids. The waves are sometimes coming over my head. And I can feel the suffocating beginning.
It's ok. I've been here before and a lot worse. And it's not that I am not aware of the rapids around me. In fact I think that over the years and especially more recently, I have become increasingly aware of troubled waters that I sometimes find myself in. In the last year I have been able to navigate the river with better ease than before. Instead of having myself trying to breathe underwater, I have been trying to point my feet and staying bobbing above the water. That means, instead of being sucked down by the depression, I have been learning to coast through it. Maybe not always enjoying the ride, but knowing that it will end and there will be calm on the other side.
I really, really, REALLY, want to lose weight by myself. I'm not so good at it though. So I have been considering having surgery to help things along. That is not easy to write. I haven't even said it out loud with my own voice.
But here is my dilemma. On one hand, I feel like this is something that I should be able to do! So many people have lost it all on their own. I have read their success stories and am amazed at their perseverance! They are hard working and rock stars at pursuing their goals. I want to be as amazing as they are.
As someone who is a saved by Jesus, I feel like I shouldn't have to use any other tools but Him to make it through the tangles of my food addiction. That my dependence and faith should be enough. I feel like if I have surgery that I am saying that God isn't big enough.
I also wonder if I am messing with His creation also. That maybe this is the way that He made me, on purpose! I wonder what I might be like if I was thin and if that isn't part of the reason why the refining hasn't been completed in terms of my body. Doctors can do amazing things with plastic surgery and sometimes I think that I would like to be the object of that. But then I wonder if by doing that, I am bringing dishonour to the creation that He has made.
On the other hand. I have been reading and researching about food addiction. The biochemistry of food addiction and drug and alcohol addiction is scarily parallel. I've said before that that scares me. I would never expect a heroin addict to quite cold turkey. I wouldn't expect a heroin addict to fix their own addiction. And if food addiction and drug addiction are closely linked in terms of feeling high, how then, can I without more intervention, rewire the circuits in my brain?
So my dear readers. That leads me to my question for you. What are your thoughts about this? What are your thoughts on people who have surgery to lose weight? Is it right or is it wrong? Is having surgery getting help in an addicts life or a cop out? I am honestly looking for answers and am very interested in what you have to say.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
On The Ledge
I feel like I am standing on the edge of something amazing. That I am on the cusp of something life changing. My heels are digging in and creating some pretty big trenches. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I feel so safe in my cocoon of obesity. This feels safe. This feels comfortable. This feels like something I know. But I am tired of it. It is so self defeating.
I have dreams. They are beautiful. They are amazing. They don't involve the body I currently have. It's an oxymoron really.
Lately, I have had some issues with motivation. Some days what I really want is just to eat and never stop. I feel like this most of the time. I don't really want that. But I do feel quite defeated most days.
Being overweight has become my identity. As a Christian, I know that that isn't true. I have been working on putting on a new identity. One that is found in Jesus. One that is a lot more honest than the one I have been wearing. One that is a lot more true.
So with all of that. What do you do to be in a safe place within yourself? When you are feeling chaotic in your world, what do you to calm yourself? What does some self-care look like for you? I'm interested in what your answers will be.
I have dreams. They are beautiful. They are amazing. They don't involve the body I currently have. It's an oxymoron really.
Lately, I have had some issues with motivation. Some days what I really want is just to eat and never stop. I feel like this most of the time. I don't really want that. But I do feel quite defeated most days.
Being overweight has become my identity. As a Christian, I know that that isn't true. I have been working on putting on a new identity. One that is found in Jesus. One that is a lot more honest than the one I have been wearing. One that is a lot more true.
So with all of that. What do you do to be in a safe place within yourself? When you are feeling chaotic in your world, what do you to calm yourself? What does some self-care look like for you? I'm interested in what your answers will be.
Photo: Mercy Ministries
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Three Years Ago Today
Three years ago today, I was impatiently waiting in the labour and delivery triage for my turn on the surgical table. I was waiting to meet the newest boy to perfect our family. This was going to the fourth boy that my husband and I brought into the world.
When we found out that we were pregnant with J, we thought maybe we might get a girl. You know there is a 50/50 shot that it would be! When we went for our ultrasound the technician said that J would in fact be a boy! Hubby and I just laughed.
Having had three boys before this one, we had a hard time finding the perfect name for this baby. All three boys before him had names before they were a reality. J, on the other hand, didn't have a name until about three weeks before he was born. The names that we finally agreed on, are a legacy to those he shares them with. I can't imagine him called anything else.
J's c-section was a little more difficult then the ones before him. When he finally came out, I remember the nurses and the doctors commenting on how big he was. That I didn't have a baby, but a toddler! I looked over as they took him to the side to get his checks done and to be cleaned up. I remember thinking, he's not that big. He was taken out of the surgery room to be weighed and looked over more thoroughly when a nurse came back in to tell us his weight. He was a whopping 10lbs!! I was shocked to say the least.
I have loved this small boy with all of my heart. It's amazing to me that after four kids I haven't had to subtract love from any of them but have instead multiplied it. Sometimes I feel like the grinch at the end of the movie when his heart breaks the constraints that are placed around his heart.
J is the boy that is most likely to break the rules. He doesn't verbally communicate very well but he is very good at showing in gestures what he would like. He loves to play on his own but he loves playing with his brothers just as well. He adores his big brothers and wants to do whatever they do, sometimes to there chagrin. He is the most cuddly of all the boys and wants to shower those that he loves with lots of hugs and kisses. He wants to sit on top of his brothers when they play their iPods. He loves to watch them play their games. I'm sure it won't be long until he is playing along with him. He loves movies. He loves to watch anything Cars or Cars 2 related. He loves Strawberry Shortcake and the shows that she is in. He has a huge collection of Disney Cars and likes to have them in his bed at night. When his dad comes home in the evening, he is very vocal about his excitement and runs around the house yelling Daeee home! Daeee home!! He loves to call his dad on the phone and ask him to come home every day. He loves to cuddle when watching TV. He loves to help when it comes to baking. He is opinionated about what he wants and how he wants it. He is compassionate and empathetic. He is quick to say I'm sorry when he has done wrong. He loves Chiquita. He is always hugging and kissing her and trying to be best friends with her. He has a love/hate relationship with Tessa. He is very judicial when it comes to our great dane. He is an outdoor lover. If given the choice he would never be inside. He loves to go fishing in the winter and the summer. He will be a great fisherman in long line of fishers.
Happy Birthday to you J! I have loved this last year with you! I can't wait to see what this year brings to your life!
When we found out that we were pregnant with J, we thought maybe we might get a girl. You know there is a 50/50 shot that it would be! When we went for our ultrasound the technician said that J would in fact be a boy! Hubby and I just laughed.
Having had three boys before this one, we had a hard time finding the perfect name for this baby. All three boys before him had names before they were a reality. J, on the other hand, didn't have a name until about three weeks before he was born. The names that we finally agreed on, are a legacy to those he shares them with. I can't imagine him called anything else.
J's c-section was a little more difficult then the ones before him. When he finally came out, I remember the nurses and the doctors commenting on how big he was. That I didn't have a baby, but a toddler! I looked over as they took him to the side to get his checks done and to be cleaned up. I remember thinking, he's not that big. He was taken out of the surgery room to be weighed and looked over more thoroughly when a nurse came back in to tell us his weight. He was a whopping 10lbs!! I was shocked to say the least.
I have loved this small boy with all of my heart. It's amazing to me that after four kids I haven't had to subtract love from any of them but have instead multiplied it. Sometimes I feel like the grinch at the end of the movie when his heart breaks the constraints that are placed around his heart.
J is the boy that is most likely to break the rules. He doesn't verbally communicate very well but he is very good at showing in gestures what he would like. He loves to play on his own but he loves playing with his brothers just as well. He adores his big brothers and wants to do whatever they do, sometimes to there chagrin. He is the most cuddly of all the boys and wants to shower those that he loves with lots of hugs and kisses. He wants to sit on top of his brothers when they play their iPods. He loves to watch them play their games. I'm sure it won't be long until he is playing along with him. He loves movies. He loves to watch anything Cars or Cars 2 related. He loves Strawberry Shortcake and the shows that she is in. He has a huge collection of Disney Cars and likes to have them in his bed at night. When his dad comes home in the evening, he is very vocal about his excitement and runs around the house yelling Daeee home! Daeee home!! He loves to call his dad on the phone and ask him to come home every day. He loves to cuddle when watching TV. He loves to help when it comes to baking. He is opinionated about what he wants and how he wants it. He is compassionate and empathetic. He is quick to say I'm sorry when he has done wrong. He loves Chiquita. He is always hugging and kissing her and trying to be best friends with her. He has a love/hate relationship with Tessa. He is very judicial when it comes to our great dane. He is an outdoor lover. If given the choice he would never be inside. He loves to go fishing in the winter and the summer. He will be a great fisherman in long line of fishers.
Minutes old
Sumo Baby!! Look at the roll over the top of his diaper!!
One year
One Year
One year with Chiquita
Two years with Chiquita
Two years
Two years
Happy Birthday to you J! I have loved this last year with you! I can't wait to see what this year brings to your life!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
It's Been Awile
It's been awhile since I sat down and wrote here. I have longed to sit and spill my thoughts, but I have felt so badly that I didn't continue writing. I haven't been here since 2012. It's now 2014. That is simply unacceptable. It's been over a year! So much has happened. So much has stayed the same. I don't know where to start for all of it. I guess I'll just try and dive in!
In the fall of 2012, my family doctor referred me to the Bariatric Specialty Clinic here in Grande Prairie. This was a dream come true and a nightmare all at once! I had been looking for help for such a long time! This was it! I was finally going to have the body I wanted. That was the dream part. The excitement came to a halt when the dream became the work to make it a realization. The clinic requires a lot of team work. There is a registered nurse, a dietician, a psychiatrist and internist on the team to reach a final goal.
After seeing the psychiatrist and doing some group therapy, I was quite shocked to see how much being overweight has become a part of my identity. I am absolutely terrified down to my toes about losing weight. I have never not been the 'Big Girl'. Oh, I wish and I dream that I could go swimming without fear of being stared at! To not have to shop at the plus size stores. To wear whatever the hell I wanted too!! But being big has become what I am comfortable with. I have become ok without accepting my role in why I am the way I am. I have justified the way I live. To the point where I don't enjoy life. I want so much more for myself and my family!
I also feared who I would become to other people. What if the people closest to me, started to tell how good I looked and how beautiful I am! Readers, don't get me wrong. You are not them! There are others that I long to hear these words from and I rarely do unless I ask. Those are the ones I am afraid of. Those are the ones that I am most needing approval right now from.
It's been a lot of brain work with this journey also. It's a rewiring of how I see and feel about food. Sugar is my addiction of choice and I find it next to impossible to be around it without the overwhelming desire to indulge to excess with it. It is my prostitute. And I am the crack whore who can't say no. I have learned that there are some deep issues surrounding this thought process. But I am working at figuring them out so that I can renovate the wiring and change the thought process.
Talk to you soon!!
In the fall of 2012, my family doctor referred me to the Bariatric Specialty Clinic here in Grande Prairie. This was a dream come true and a nightmare all at once! I had been looking for help for such a long time! This was it! I was finally going to have the body I wanted. That was the dream part. The excitement came to a halt when the dream became the work to make it a realization. The clinic requires a lot of team work. There is a registered nurse, a dietician, a psychiatrist and internist on the team to reach a final goal.
After seeing the psychiatrist and doing some group therapy, I was quite shocked to see how much being overweight has become a part of my identity. I am absolutely terrified down to my toes about losing weight. I have never not been the 'Big Girl'. Oh, I wish and I dream that I could go swimming without fear of being stared at! To not have to shop at the plus size stores. To wear whatever the hell I wanted too!! But being big has become what I am comfortable with. I have become ok without accepting my role in why I am the way I am. I have justified the way I live. To the point where I don't enjoy life. I want so much more for myself and my family!
I also feared who I would become to other people. What if the people closest to me, started to tell how good I looked and how beautiful I am! Readers, don't get me wrong. You are not them! There are others that I long to hear these words from and I rarely do unless I ask. Those are the ones I am afraid of. Those are the ones that I am most needing approval right now from.
It's been a lot of brain work with this journey also. It's a rewiring of how I see and feel about food. Sugar is my addiction of choice and I find it next to impossible to be around it without the overwhelming desire to indulge to excess with it. It is my prostitute. And I am the crack whore who can't say no. I have learned that there are some deep issues surrounding this thought process. But I am working at figuring them out so that I can renovate the wiring and change the thought process.
Talk to you soon!!
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