It's Been Awile

It's been awhile since I sat down and wrote here.  I have longed to sit and spill my thoughts, but I have felt so badly that I didn't continue writing.  I haven't been here since 2012.  It's now 2014.  That is simply unacceptable.  It's been over a year!  So much has happened.  So much has stayed the same.  I don't know where to start for all of it.  I guess I'll just try and dive in!

In the fall of 2012, my family doctor referred me to the Bariatric Specialty Clinic here in Grande Prairie.  This was a dream come true and a nightmare all at once!  I had been looking for help for such a long time!  This was it!  I was finally going to have the body I wanted.  That was the dream part.  The excitement came to a halt when the dream became the work to make it a realization.  The clinic requires a lot of team work.  There is a registered nurse, a dietician, a psychiatrist and internist on the team to reach a final goal.

After seeing the psychiatrist and doing some group therapy, I was quite shocked to see how much being overweight has become a part of my identity.  I am absolutely terrified down to my toes about losing weight.  I have never not been the 'Big Girl'.  Oh, I wish and I dream that I could go swimming without fear of being stared at!  To not have to shop at the plus size stores.  To wear whatever the hell I wanted too!!  But being big has become what I am comfortable with.  I have become ok without accepting my role in why I am the way I am.  I have justified the way I live.  To the point where I don't enjoy life.  I want so much more for myself and my family!

I also feared who I would become to other people.  What if the people closest to me, started to tell how good I looked and how beautiful I am!  Readers, don't get me wrong.  You are not them!  There are others that I long to hear these words from and I rarely do unless I ask.  Those are the ones I am afraid of.  Those are the ones that I am most needing approval right now from.

It's been a lot of brain work with this journey also.  It's a rewiring of how I see and feel about food.  Sugar is my addiction of choice and I find it next to impossible to be around it without the overwhelming desire to indulge to excess with it.  It is my prostitute.  And I am the crack whore who can't say no.  I have learned that there are some deep issues surrounding this thought process.  But I am working at figuring them out so that I can renovate the wiring and change the thought process.

Talk to you soon!!