Three Years Ago Today

Three years ago today, I was impatiently waiting in the labour and delivery triage for my turn on the surgical table.  I was waiting to meet the newest boy to perfect our family.  This was going to the fourth boy that my husband and I brought into the world.

When we found out that we were pregnant with J, we thought maybe we might get a girl.  You know there is a 50/50 shot that it would be!  When we went for our ultrasound the technician said that J would in fact be a boy!  Hubby and I just laughed.

Having had three boys before this one, we had a hard time finding the perfect name for this baby.  All three boys before him had names before they were a reality.  J, on the other hand, didn't have a name until about three weeks before he was born.  The names that we finally agreed on, are a legacy to those he shares them with.  I can't imagine him called anything else.

J's c-section was a little more difficult then the ones before him.  When he finally came out, I remember the nurses and the doctors commenting on how big he was.  That I didn't have a baby, but a toddler!  I looked over as they took him to the side to get his checks done and to be cleaned up.  I remember thinking, he's not that big.  He was taken out of the surgery room to be weighed and looked over more thoroughly when a nurse came back in to tell us his weight.  He was a whopping 10lbs!!  I was shocked to say the least.

I have loved this small boy with all of my heart.  It's amazing to me that after four kids I haven't had to subtract love from any of them but have instead multiplied it.  Sometimes I feel like the grinch at the end of the movie when his heart breaks the constraints that are placed around his heart.

J is the boy that is most likely to break the rules.  He doesn't verbally communicate very well but he is very good at showing in gestures what he would like.  He loves to play on his own but he loves playing with his brothers just as well.  He adores his big brothers and wants to do whatever they do, sometimes to there chagrin.  He is the most cuddly of all the boys and wants to shower those that he loves with lots of hugs and kisses.  He wants to sit on top of his brothers when they play their iPods.  He loves to watch them play their games.  I'm sure it won't be long until he is playing along with him.  He loves movies.  He loves to watch anything Cars or Cars 2 related.  He loves Strawberry Shortcake and the shows that she is in.  He has a huge collection of Disney Cars and likes to have them in his bed at night.  When his dad comes home in the evening, he is very vocal about his excitement and runs around the house yelling Daeee home!  Daeee home!!  He loves to call his dad on the phone and ask him to come home every day.  He loves to cuddle when watching TV.  He loves to help when it comes to baking.  He is opinionated about what he wants and how he wants it.  He is compassionate and empathetic.  He is quick to say I'm sorry when he has done wrong.  He loves Chiquita.  He is always hugging and kissing her and trying to be best friends with her.  He has a love/hate relationship with Tessa.  He is very judicial when it comes to our great dane.  He is an outdoor lover.  If given the choice he would never be inside.  He loves to go fishing in the winter and the summer.  He will be a great fisherman in long line of fishers.

 Minutes old

Sumo Baby!!  Look at the roll over the top of his diaper!!

One year

One Year

One year with Chiquita

Two years with Chiquita

Two years

Two years

 Happy Birthday to you J!  I have loved this last year with you!  I can't wait to see what this year brings to your life!

It's Been Awile

It's been awhile since I sat down and wrote here.  I have longed to sit and spill my thoughts, but I have felt so badly that I didn't continue writing.  I haven't been here since 2012.  It's now 2014.  That is simply unacceptable.  It's been over a year!  So much has happened.  So much has stayed the same.  I don't know where to start for all of it.  I guess I'll just try and dive in!

In the fall of 2012, my family doctor referred me to the Bariatric Specialty Clinic here in Grande Prairie.  This was a dream come true and a nightmare all at once!  I had been looking for help for such a long time!  This was it!  I was finally going to have the body I wanted.  That was the dream part.  The excitement came to a halt when the dream became the work to make it a realization.  The clinic requires a lot of team work.  There is a registered nurse, a dietician, a psychiatrist and internist on the team to reach a final goal.

After seeing the psychiatrist and doing some group therapy, I was quite shocked to see how much being overweight has become a part of my identity.  I am absolutely terrified down to my toes about losing weight.  I have never not been the 'Big Girl'.  Oh, I wish and I dream that I could go swimming without fear of being stared at!  To not have to shop at the plus size stores.  To wear whatever the hell I wanted too!!  But being big has become what I am comfortable with.  I have become ok without accepting my role in why I am the way I am.  I have justified the way I live.  To the point where I don't enjoy life.  I want so much more for myself and my family!

I also feared who I would become to other people.  What if the people closest to me, started to tell how good I looked and how beautiful I am!  Readers, don't get me wrong.  You are not them!  There are others that I long to hear these words from and I rarely do unless I ask.  Those are the ones I am afraid of.  Those are the ones that I am most needing approval right now from.

It's been a lot of brain work with this journey also.  It's a rewiring of how I see and feel about food.  Sugar is my addiction of choice and I find it next to impossible to be around it without the overwhelming desire to indulge to excess with it.  It is my prostitute.  And I am the crack whore who can't say no.  I have learned that there are some deep issues surrounding this thought process.  But I am working at figuring them out so that I can renovate the wiring and change the thought process.

Talk to you soon!!